Grandparents comparing grandchildren can be a subtle source of family tension. It’s a behavior pattern with deep roots in natural biases, but when left unchecked, it can lead to rivalry and self-esteem issues among the young ones.
That’s why it should be avoided.
Let’s see how you can deal with this behavior. Whether you’re a parent who has spotted this behavior or a grandparent who notices the other pair of grandparents doing that, you’ll find effective strategies to deal with this situation with diplomacy and respect.
Understanding the Roots of Comparison
Grandparents may compare grandchildren out of habit or societal norms.
Sometimes, it’s a subconscious re-enactment of their parenting days.
Understanding this is key to addressing the issue.
How to Deal with Grandparents Comparing Grandchildren
Setting Boundaries
Communicate specific examples to grandparents of how comparisons have hurt the children previously, like a grandchild feeling less smart or less talented than another.
Make it clear that statements like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” are off-limits.
Offer alternatives, suggesting they could say, “I’ve noticed you’re really good at this, and that’s great!”
Establishing these rules helps maintain a positive environment for all grandchildren.
Communicate Impact
If a grandparent makes a comparative comment, discuss its effects with them later.
Share how one grandchild may have become withdrawn or another started boasting to cope with feeling inadequate.
Explain that words have power and can affect a child’s self-image for years to come.
Tell them you dislike the comparisons and worry it may lead to unnecessary competition and resentment between the kids.
Emphasize that they should be allowed to develop at their own pace and that you’d like her to recognize and appreciate each child’s individual growth.
Encourage grandparents to reflect on their words before speaking, and to consider the long-term impact they could have.
Fostering Individuality
Celebrating each child’s unique qualities involves actively noticing and mentioning their personal strengths.
For instance, one child’s creativity could be applauded while another’s athleticism is cheered.
Ask grandparents to set up activities that cater to each grandchild’s interests, like art projects or sports games, reinforcing their individual talents.
This not only discourages comparisons but also bolsters each child’s confidence in their abilities.
It’s about creating an environment where every achievement, big or small, is acknowledged and no one feels overshadowed by their siblings or cousins.
Model Positive Behavior
Your actions speak volumes. If you compliment your children individually and refrain from making comparisons yourself, grandparents will take note.
For example, if one child excels in school while another is more artistically inclined, make sure to express pride in each achievement individually.
Show grandparents that every milestone, regardless of the area it falls in, is worth celebrating.
This sets a standard for interactions and establishes a healthy dynamic for the grandchildren to emulate.
Cultivate Emotional Intelligence
Children with a strong sense of self-worth are better equipped to brush off negative comparisons. Teach them to express their feelings appropriately and to recognize their emotions.
For instance, if a grandchild is upset after being compared, encourage them to articulate why it hurts.
Help them build a vocabulary of self-affirmation, so they can internalize positive beliefs about themselves, fostering resilience against harmful comparisons.
Seek Professional Guidance
If the issue of comparison persists despite these efforts, seeking professional guidance is a logical next step.
A family therapist can offer neutral ground for discussion and help each family member understand the others’ perspectives.
Sometimes, an external voice of reason is what’s needed to break the cycle of comparison.
Have you dealt with grandparents comparing grandkids? How did you handle it, and do you have any advice or strategies that worked for you?
Let us know in the comments below.